When they call on me,
I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue ...them...and give them my salvation.”
Psalm 91:15-16
I grew up in Oklahoma, land of tornadoes. Ironically, the “inside” of my childhood home was the place I experienced most of my tornadoes. I was caught in a whirlwind of things swirling around me that I could not control. The confusion was inside of me too. My mother took all five of us stair-stepped children to church every Sunday, while my dad stretched out on the bed smoking cigarettes and drinking beer or vodka. Life in our home would frequently become chaotic and out of control... and there was a lot of drama in our home. I can remember many times when my dad would be so drunk; he would rage through our home overturning furniture, throwing dishes out of the cabinet like a madman scaring us to death. We kids would huddle together and hide and cry. not knowing what would happen next. That's just one memory out of so many. Stuff like that was much too common growing up and as we got older the abuse and the fear only grew worse.
When they call on me,
I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue ...them...and give them my salvation.”
Psalm 91:15-16
As we grew into our teen years, each one of us dealt with this chaos in our own way. I withdrew. My older brother became heavily involved in drugs. My sister and I searched for male love and both became pregnant and had abortions at different times in our very young lives. I tried drugs, pot and alcohol. Each of us found his or her dysfunctional role with other dysfunctional people. Two younger brothers went down the sad road of alcohol and drugs as well.
Then we all grew up and left home.
The problem with leaving a hellhole is that you take the hell with you. You think you are getting out of it, but when you are raised in trauma and drama, you can’t handle normal. You create your own trauma and drama. I took the confusion with me and despite going to church all those years, I didn’t know who God was.
One day I was reacting to my new drama. I was 23. My husband was leaving. We had only been married a few months. I had been married once already and was the mother of a four year old little boy. At this very young age, I had already had two abortions, one at just 16 and another when I was 21 that I did not wish to have--but I was married and my husband convinced me that I must do it or I would ruin his life. My little 4 year old son was the child in between those two horrific events. I look back on that day now and realize I simply had an emotional breakdown...I was confused and crying and suicidal. Thankfully, my son was on a weekend visit with his father that day. I began to really wonder about God. Who was he? Is he real? And if he is, did he care about me? I was thinking about dying and wondering what would happen if I did. I wondered, is there a heaven? Was there a hell? Where would I go if I died? I was truly searching. As I sat and pondered all of this, I held a razor in my hand and “cut” myself and while doing so, I dared God to help me. I looked up at the ceiling and whispered through my tears, “if you’re real, please help me”.
I really meant it. I was so broken and...
I. was. so. done. with. my. life.
It seems so very sad to me as I look back on that younger version of myself and see how distraught that young girl was that day. I want to go comfort her and tell her about Jesus.
Looking back, I believe it was my sincere prayer toward God at that moment that changed everything for me. I really wanted to know if God was real--and I needed to know the answer to that question right then! I cried out to Him and He answered.
God responded. Suddenly, through the blood and the tears, I sensed something...someone...it was an overwhelming sense of calm and an unexplainable peace that entered my space. Someone was there beside me. A presence was there calming me and loving me. I can’t convey it properly but I knew it was real. I knew Jesus was in the room with me. As I lay there crying, I became calm in my spirit as I experienced the comfort that only He can give.
That was such a long time ago, but I found out that day that Jesus is real. He is a real person who shows up when you need Him. I knew that He had entered into the huge mess of my life and was there to bring me comfort, hope and peace.
My dad (whom I had no relationship with) and who was almost always drunk, showed up at my apartment that day--sober. He took me to the hospital and I was attended to. I still marvel at the circumstances of that day...what could have been, what wasn’t and what was. Instead of it being the end for me. It was the beginning of my walk with the Lord.
I will always remember how strong God’s presence was in my life for a short span of time after that prayer (while I was still so emotionally fragile). I knew I had a person walking beside me everywhere I went and I did. His name was Jesus. I experienced His presence. It was so comforting and I still remember it so vividly. God is real and the Holy Spirit came into my life to comfort me. I needed that then.
I know He is with me now and still walks beside me...He will never leave me or forsake me. That truly was an extraordinary experience, something I desperately needed back then. God knows what we need at every moment of our lives and He knew what I needed then.
My faith is stronger now as I have walked with Jesus for many years. Now, when I feel lonely or abandoned or desperate, I have to rely on what I know and what I have learned about the character of God.
Back then, I truly didn’t know.
That day was the first and most sincere prayer of my life. It started me out on my Christian journey of believing in Jesus as my Savior and Lord. No one can come to God except through Jesus. I have put my faith in Christ and I believe that I received my salvation and eternal life as well as abundant life here and now.
Yet, when it comes down to practicing being in a daily relationship with Him; it's taken me a long time and I still struggle with it. I think parents play a large part in how we view God and unfortunately, if you have parents who were distant or unloving, critical or unkind, sometimes you feel that way about your Heavenly Father too. I have had to overcome the lie that God isn't interested in me and I have to remember to believe that if I draw near to God, He will draw near to me. I also have to remember that He will never leave me or forsake me.
God has been patient with me and will continue to be.
He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Philippians 1:6
God is everything I need and He accepts me as I am and I am so thankful to Him.
Yet you have said,
"I know you by name, ... And he said,
“My presence will go with you,
and I will give you rest.”
Exodus 33:12-1
We all have value based on God's great love for us
regardless of what we feel, think or use to measure ourselves by.
Scripture references
...for God has said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.
Hebrews 13:5
Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life.
No one can come to the Father except through me.
John 14:6
Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life.
No one can come to the Father except through me.
John 14:6
Come near to God and He will come near to you.
James 4:8
And the peace of God which transcends all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus.
will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus.
Philipians 4:7
